Lumen 21-13
Why Do We Love the
Praise of Other Humans?
December 8, 2021
Irrelevant
tid bit – I
can live for two months on a good compliment.
Mark Twain
GREGARIOUSNESS/TEAMWORK
- We
want to be near each other so much that we live clumped up in cities when we
could be spread out over the countryside.
The worst punishments are banishment, shunning, excommunication,
solitary confinement, the silent treatment, exile. Hermits are considered weird and loneliness
is a major psychological problem.
A refined aspect
of our gregarious nature is that if we form groups dedicated to a single or a
set of purposes, we accomplish much more that if we work alone. This goes
beyond each person sharing their special knowledge and skills. Somehow it is like a magic power/ability is
created/released and/or activated when we form teams that work together which
results in the power/ability of the team being greater than the sum of the
parts.
How does this work?
For early man the
value of teamwork in hunting is easy to see, and it is used by a wide range of
predatory animals, but mankind has elevated and polished teamwork far beyond
the obvious. We thrive working together
and languish alone.
Several
years ago, I was invited to give a talk at the annual meeting of the Kentucky Chapter
of The Wildlife Society. About 50 people
attended, which is larger than the crowd at most of my talks. That may have stimulated me to perform well,
but, in any case, the talk was well received and the audience gave me genuine,
not just polite, applause at its completion.
Not surprisingly, I felt very good that the audience liked my talk, and,
by 
extension, liked me.
Why
did I feel good about this? When a group
of people indicate that they like you or your performance, such as though
sincere applause, feeling good is the most common and expected reaction, but
why is that so?
This
question has been on my mind for some time.
In my journal notes from a 2005 trip to Puerto Rico about borrowing a truck,
I wrote –
I
gassed up the truck so Pablo would think well of me. What others think is still important to me even when I know it
will never change a thing in my life that matters. Why
is that?
The
Kentucky members of The Wildlife Society are professional wildlife biologists,
which is what I was, so it is good to be respected by your peers, but these folks
were strangers that I most likely will never meet again. They were not family, friends, or other
people with established places in my life, so why does the approval of strangers
who have no influence over my status, future earnings, promotions, sexual success,
happiness, or general well-being make me feel so good? This was far from my home, so there was no chance
that the success of this talk “spilling” over into some stature in my home community,
in other words, there was no tangible benefit from giving a good talk and
receiving the approval of the audience.
Performance
celebrities from movies, TV, stage and other venues always talk of the “roar of
crowd”. Musicians mention the influence that
crowds have on the quality and direction of their performance. Stage actors who move to movies are frequently
thrilled to come back to theater performing, even after they have been very
successful in movies, because they get the immediate reaction and good feeling
from the live crowd’s approval. Since
the post-pandemic return of live performances, celebrities often comment on how
happy they are to have a live audience once again, indicating the high
importance of the immediate approval from strangers. Sports teams routinely win more games at home
than they do on the road.
Everyone;
including spouses, extended family, colleagues, customers, and even your boss;
loves to get sincere recognition and praise for a job well done. When you sincerely praise someone, it leads to
a physiological desire to recreate that feeling. In the simplest terms, that is why praising
someone cements good behavior and work habits. A side benefit is that, when you learn to
enjoy praising others, you experience that same good feeling they do. By doing something good for someone else, you also
feel good. Consistent with the law of
reciprocity, others are often willing to return that feeling of goodwill by
lending a hand or sharing useful information.
Science
shows that there are many psychological effects of praise. Being paid a compliment actually lights up the
same parts of your brain that get activated when you receive a monetary award
or romantic attention. When you praise
someone, your words activate their hypothalamus, which is the part of the brain
that controls eating and sleeping, and in turn your brain produces a very
important neurotransmitter that plays a big role in people’s motivation, focus,
and satisfaction - dopamine. When the
brain gets triggered to produce more dopamine, the dopamine will boost the brain’s
work and, boom, your brain will work at its max to do its best.
What
exactly is dopamine? Dopamine is a
neurotransmitter produced by the brain.
Imagine, there’s something inside your brain that carries a motivational
message to keep your brain working well.
That’s dopamine. When a high
level of dopamine flows inside your brain, it’s going to encourage you to be
productive, to work hard, and to believe that you’re going to achieve your
dreams. So, praise activates the reward
circuit in our brain. When we receive a
compliment for something we have done, it is essentially a signal to our brain
saying ‘do it again’. Your brain is
encouraged to repeat the same task to be able to feel that rewarding ‘high’ again
and again.
Compliments
also help us with learning by improving long-term memory. When you are praised after learning a new
skill, it affects the part of your brain that is responsible for memory consolidation
and building long term memory that occurs during your deep sleep. When our brain associates the positive
feeling with newly learned material, we tend to remember that material a lot better. In other words: by giving others compliments,
we help them to learn and to perform better.
If
you are a supervisor one of the best ways to get good performance out of your
staff is to praise them. So, now that we
recognize the importance of praise, what are some practical steps to improve
your skill at praising others?
1. Give
praise often.
Build
a healthy habit of frequently giving praise. Learn to observe those around you and actively
look for praise-worthy things.
2. Give praise immediately.
It
is important to praise others as soon as they earn it. Resist the urge to wait until the “time is
right.” Immediate praise feels the most
authentic.
3. Praise publicly: correct privately.
Public
praise is usually more impactful than praise given privately. If you are in a meeting, praise the person
while others are present. If you are interacting
through email, copy relevant peers and superiors when you send a praise email.
4.
Be sincere.
Heaping
praise for mundane accomplishments or manufacturing praise can be
counterproductive. It means more to the
recipient when they recognize it as praiseworthy. Watch for key moments. .
5. Be specific.
Not
all compliments are created equal.
Saying “Nice job!” or “Well done!” is better than no praise at all, but
being specific adds impact. For instance,
“Wow, your analysis of this problem was great
in its detail and recommendations for solutions. I could learn so much from you.”
6.
Check your “but”.
Have
you ever been the recipient of a message along the lines of, “Thank you for
responding so quickly, but…” When praise
is followed by criticism, it nullifies the previously mentioned dopamine
pleasure response and counteracts your intended outcome.
7. Spread your praise.
Look
for praise-worthy moments among those who receive less recognition. That praise may be the difference between a person
flourishing or floundering.
8. Personalize your process.
Find
what works for you; something that suits your style and personality.
The moral here is, say something nice to me, I will feel good and so will you.
Comments
Post a Comment